GermanyBathroom

All things German are new, clean and for the most part perfect. We first encountered the German splendor upon arrival into the Frankfurt Airport from India. We had become somewhat accustomed to the dirty conditions of Asia and India. When we got off the plane in the Frankfurt Airport we could not have imagined how different things could be. I literally wanted to lay on the airport terminal floor and roll around in 'the clean'. Up until this point my only experience with German perfection has been my appreciation of BMW and Mercedes automobiles. We were not in Germany long before we experienced the perfection of the German train system. If you have ever taken an Amtrak train in the US you know the departure/arrival time can be off by up to four hours and this is considered normal. In Germany if the train is scheduled to leave at 10:02 AM and upon departure your watch reads 10:08 AM, your watch is wrong. Germany has it's act together and it shows everywhere you look. On this leg of the trip our stay in Germany was short but it would set the tone and expectations for our next visit.

In September, we arrived back in Germany and this time we would be visiting the new, yet old, German city of Berlin. Everywhere we went in Berlin the city was under construction in preparation for the year 2000. It is at this time that Berlin becomes the official capital of Germany. The hectic pace of Berlin with everything in shambles was a welcome picture and a reminder that Germany is Germany because of the hard work and efforts of its people. It seems impossible to believe that all the construction will be finished by the year 2000 but it will not be from a lack of super size cranes dotting the skyline. If you want to buy a used crane Berlin should be having a fire sale in 2001. As an engineer I was in total awe of all things German and this includes their public rest rooms which brings us to another story.

Lets face it we all have to use the bathroom and at times we are forced to use the dreaded public rest rooms. It is not your first choice but sometimes you have no choice. McDonald's is usually a safe alternative anywhere in the world but if you are in Germany you want to find McClean. McClean is a private rest room chain in many German train stations. Only Germans could apply perfection to the toilet and make using a public rest room a pleasure. My first encounter with a McClean was in Alexander Platz and upon entering I paid a German Mark and entered the art studio/rest room. The urinals were made of a turquoise marble carved with flowing lines and accented with smoke lighted glass which separated the guy standing next to you. As I finished my business and stepped away the water began to flow making me feel like I just peed on a work of art. I walked away a little upset that I didn't have more serious business to attend to in McClean but I would be in Berlin for a few more days and was sure that at some point I would be taking full advantage of the McClean.

It is now time for me to share a few intimate details on my troubles with public rest rooms and how it still effects me today. Early in the Spring of 1996 I was flying back from Atlanta to West Palm Beach. Call it a matter of bad timing but as we circled the Palm Beach International airport I really had to go. It was the kind of go that is not enjoyed at 30,000 feet. The plane docked, the door opened and I rushed to the bathroom hoping I would be in time. The story doesn't get anymore graphic because I made it with a few seconds to spare. Then suddenly, as I was enjoying my good fortune, I heard from the other stall, "Sir you are in the wrong bathroom." I quickly wanted to point out that, "Mam you are in the wrong bathroom", but a quick rewind of my photographic memory left no images of urinals on the wall. I was in the wrong bathroom and not going anywhere for another five minutes. The embarrassment of it and all. I had to quietly sneak out hoping I didn't run into any ladies on their way in. Since that day, regardless of the sign, I always make sure that the rest room I am in has urinals on the wall before I sit down. Lets get back to Germany and McClean.

As I knew it would, an opportunity arose which allowed me to really use McClean. The McClean is almost a storefront like atmosphere. They have a counter with a cash register and somebody in a uniform always cleaning something. You drop a couple of coins into a turnstile and the business process begins. The people who run McClean realized that they can charge for different levels of service, so for going number 1 it will set you back $1 for number 2 it will cost you $1.50. According to the service required you enter the proper turnstile. Remembering that everything is in German and that the current American customer is overwhelmed by the cleanliness of the bathroom and the pageantry of it all; it would be easy to make a mistake. I am better than that, I have made the gender error before and it wasn't going to happen to me. A quick look to the left and a young lady is mopping the floor. The turnstile has the word Herren on it which from Latin I deduce that the root Her of Herren must mean women. A look to the right finds a tall gentleman in blue overalls working on the sink and the entry sign says Damans which at the time I could not figure out how it translated to Men. It didn't matter a lady on the left and a guy on the right, I went right. I did not have the luxury of the urinal gender test because the McClean business model has them in another room.

I entered into the stall and smiled from ear-to-ear with the cleanliness and overall engineering effort that went into making such a dam nice bathroom. I look around studying the locks and the hinges. I admired the way the color accents of the ceiling lights presented elliptical patterns on the stall door. I was amazed with the fact that I could not find a single piece of graffiti. Had the Germans invented a graffiti proof material? The ramifications of this were huge as I sat there contemplating the money to be made from graffiti proof bathroom stalls. Wait, what was this next to the toilet paper dispenser. It was a stack of little white bags. Having no idea what they could be used for I picked one up for inspection. This could be the graffiti outlet for the McClean customer but all I found was the word, Hygiene. These Germans think of everything, I have no idea why you need a hygiene bag but it is nice to have one just in case. Then a lady starts talking in German. I of course speak no German but through my keen skills of observation and a little intuition- it hit me. I was in the women's bathroom again and I was stuck for at least another five minutes!

This time no escape from the humiliation of it all, as I walked out the two ladies made sure I understood that I had screwed up. I was so embarrassed that I forgot to wash my hands and I knew I couldn't get away with using the women's sink. I exited the girls side as quickly as possible paid another dollar on the guys side, washed my hands and put the McClean behind me. It was a tragic experience and I am happy to have survived.

I have shared this experience with all who read this in the hope that through my misadventures you will learn from my mistakes. If you are ever in Germany, I highly recommend McClean but just make sure you use the right one. I actually hold McClean partially responsible for my emotional trauma because they did not have any pictures of a girl in a skirt or a straight leg man to help lead the way. If you know of any lawyers out there who think I would have a case against McClean for emotional distress drop me an e-mail.

Is this not the nicest urinal you have ever seen?

You see how easy it would be to make a mistake.